This past week has been very emotional for me. As events have unfolded, I have taken on the role of the abandoned child or victim in my mind. My thoughts have been circling around one key theme: my fear of abandonment.
During a meeting last week, I shared something with a colleague. After a comment they made, I started weaving a story that she was mad at me because she thought that I was being a “know-it-all”. That shifted into a story that everyone didn’t like me because of that, which quickly shifted into finding proof to back that up, I got very quiet and disengaged from participating at the meeting unless called upon directly. Because of those stories, I felt like a lost and afraid little girl who had done something wrong. Imagine my surprise when I talked to the facilitator later in the day and she thanked me for the way that I showed up. I had woven an entirely false story in my head.
Another example of my false story weaving skill was happening simultaneously in another area of my life. This time it involved my dog Cody Bear. He seemed a little off. My fear of abandonment led to watch everything he was doing out of fear that he was going to die. Because if he died, I would be all alone. He has since been taken to the vet and my intuition was correct about something being off. He had a toothache.
Both examples were very different events with the same underlying fear: fear of being abandoned or alone.
My personality type, when I’m not connecting with Spirit, leans towards looking for proof that I am a lost little girl and then looking for other people to comfort me rather than stopping first to take care of myself. When I forget to connect with Spirit, that lost little girl in me searchs for a loving parent to protect and save me. The mistake I make when I forget to connect with Spirit is looking for someone out there to parent me.
But, there is a parent I can turn to: my Divine parent. The Creator that created me. When I am deep in my story of abandonment, I’m forgetting that.
Thank goodness that on the morning when my emotions reached an all-time low, another part of me knew that something was coming up for healing. I took a moment and asked for a message and pulled a tarot card. I pulled the Hermit card. The card reminded me that the answers were already within me. There is an eternal spark inside of me that I was forgetting to access.
I sipped my coffee and closed my eyes and imagined that I and that spark were joined. When I got quiet and listened. I realized that all I had to do was stop, breathe, connect, and listen. Not make up stories. Not continue to create stories. Not continue to feed those stories of the lost child. As I continued breathing and joining with the spark, I saw that the only thing blocking me was my belief that I was a lost and abandoned little girl. The more I allowed myself to breathe and connect with that spark, the more I remembered my Divinity. All I had to do was be willing to step out of the loop of the thoughts in my head and connect with the spark within. I could feel a shift happening as I did that.
Before taking a moment to connect, the story maker in me had enjoyed a week of feeding the old story line of the poor, sad, abandoned, little girl. When I connected with the spark within, I connected with my Divinity. I connected with my Divine parent. I felt peace. I felt comforted. All I did was stop, breathe, and connect. And all it took was less than the time it took me to finish my coffee.
From that willingness to connect, I have experienced two miraculous shifts. Through journaling I released the upset over a relationship that ended abruptly a few years ago. That event had upset that little girl in me since it had happened. I couldn't hear that persons name without get pulled back into listening to my false stories. The next morning, I released an old childhood wound that I had been carrying around for over 45 years. Through my willingness to step out of the story and regularly connect with my inner spark, the little girl in me is feeling seen, heard, and loved. For that I am grateful.
If you found what I shared to be helpful, feel free to leave a comment. If you would like support in connecting with your own inner spark, CLICK HERE to book a Tarot Reading or Spiritual Counseling Session with me. I would love to help you in remember the truth of who you are and stop spinning around in your own stories of gloom and doom.