I like being a helper. For most of my life, I believed that people would only love and appreciate me if I was being a helper. I believed that I was earning my worth on this planet by being helpful.
Helping others used to come with a hidden agenda. I would help while hoping, wanting, and expecting that others would do the same for me. Sometimes, I would do things that I really didn’t want to do because I craved appreciation for doing them as well as validation. That feeling that came when someone expressed appreciation was proof that I mattered. It made it ok that I was taking up space on the planet.
I simultaneously felt resentful for doing things that I didn’t want to do. I believed that being helpful, being a people pleaser was the only way that I would receive love.
AND as a result, I was angry most of the time.
Why? I was not coming from my heart as a helper. I was coming from my head. My head was convincing me that that is what I had to do to earn love and appreciation in this world. I started to question my motives for helping others. I noticed that there were times when I truly wished to help others and that there were times that helping others would not be truly helpful for me. I began to start saying no.
At first, the guilt that came with that almost stopped me. How can I say no? When I explored that a little more, I discovered that the real question underneath all of that was really, “Will they still love me if I say no?” And that was really scary. What if they got mad? What if they left?
How could I be truly helpful to both others and myself?
A few years ago, I came across a prayer in A Course in Miracles that answered that question. Within the prayer were the answers to what being truly helpful meant, how to be truly helpful, and the results of being truly helpful.
The prayer helped me understand what being truly helpful truly meant. LOL. I can still be a helper and feel joyful while doing it. AND the best part? I’m not doing it alone!
Last year, I rewrote the prayer with pronouns that felt right for me and started saying it daily. I’m sharing it below. This prayer has become part of me and it’s my deepest desire to embody it. And each day I do that a little more.
I am here only to be truly helpful. I am here to represent the field of Love that sent me. I do not have to worry about what to say or what to do, because the Love that sent me will direct me. I am content to be wherever Love wishes, knowing it goes there with me. Knowing I am Love. I will be healed as I let Love teach me to heal.
*Adapted from ACIM text, Chapter 2, section V, paragraph 19
If you would like to hear more of my thoughts on this prayer, I recently spoke about it on Sundays with Spirit, a Spiritual online Sunday Service. That recording and more FREE resources will be available on the new member site we're about to launch. An email explaining how to receive your complimentary membership will be sent next week. So stay tuned!
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***Side-note: This week on my journey of shedding pounds I’ve let go of the weight I mentioned that I had regained a few weeks ago. I'm currently observing the way that my mind justifies rewarding myself for feeling stressed or doing a good job by using either desserts or pizza. For me, it seems that food is tied into how I learned to nurture myself during childhood. I am now willing to rewire my brain to nurture and self-sooth with LOVE!