As a Spiritual Teacher, Counselor and Tarot Card reader, I can hold loving space for people all day long. When I’m not working and connecting with friends and family, I’m a work in progress. There are a few people in my life that are my “ride or die” friends. You know the type…they accept me for however I show up, warts and all.
Ride or die, is a mainstream lexicon used as an expression for any friend, family member, or romantic partner, regardless of gender, who will always stick by your side—who will ride or die with you to the end.
Recently I lost the friendship of someone that I believed was one of my ride or die pack. She appears to have walked away from the friendship. Her reasons still make me scratch my head. All I know is that for whatever reason, my actions triggered her and appear to have resulted in the end of a 6-year friendship.
I’m not going to lie. It blindsided me and completely triggered the abandoned child within me.
Throughout this process, a few things have become abundantly clear. And I have gotten to heal some old patterns. Here are a few:
There is a part of me that was looking for someone outside of me to comfort me, validate me and tell me that I was lovable. As a result, I have gotten to learn the deepest level of self-soothing that I have ever had to practice.
There is a part of me that wanted others to take my side. Instead, I found myself being a bit more silent and paid attention to how I shared what happened. I wrote in my journal about it and scheduled a counseling session for myself. I desperately desired to know what was mine to do.
There was a part of me that wanted to make myself right and her wrong. She is part of the same Spiritual Community that I am, and boy did my inner judge come out and want to shout, “We are part of a community that practices non-judgment and forgiveness, WTF?!” As a result, I started a daily practice saying a prayer about the situation and handing it over to Spirit.
This situation has made me dig deep. I have not been able to write about it until now.
It has resulted in placing all my reactions and interactions with my friends and family under a microscope. It has helped me remember to envision what I would like and desire in relationships. It is making me strive to be an even better friend, family member and human.
And sometimes it really sucks. There has been crying over the loss. There has been anger. There has been pettiness. All in my head. And again. Having a few ride or die friends that I can express these things to has been essential. Saying things out loud to one of them, quickly makes me take responsibility for my judgments. Because as I say them out loud, part of me hears a bell ring in my head and allows me to work on whatever judgment is coming up.
I also learned something profound about myself. This is the big one that has kept me from being in a committed relationship. I was so petrified of being abandoned that in the past, I was the one to walk away first. I spent my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s ditching friends and potential mates before they could leave me.
All this learning was wrapped within a ride or die friend walking away from our connection.
I still miss my friend. I do wish the best for her. And sometimes the abandoned child in me wants to lash out. And that’s OK. I have learned how to hold that child within me close and comfort her. I have a few close friends that accept, love and comfort her too.
I know that this healing was an answered prayer to my request for a deep healing so that I can allow myself to be in a committed relationship. And I also now know without a doubt that sometimes a healing can appear to show up in a completely ass-backwards way!
Here’s to embracing what is.
Here’s to continuing to harvest the learning in what appear to be difficult situations.
Here’s to continuing to lighten the load and let shit go!
As of this post I am down 15 pounds.