This week an old wound from childhood was brought up for healing. I recently reconnected with my godmother. And I am grateful for that. I received a letter from her and there was a line in it that was referring to my mom. She said, “So when you think about her think of the good times. That’s what I do.” The next day, I discovered that there was a part of me that was upset by that statement. The spiritual student in me, felt gratitude for the reminder, The unhealed child in me felt enraged at the suggestion.
Because I truly wish for healing around this, I love my godmother, and I know that she meant well, I took time to use a tool that I often suggest to my Spiritual Counseling clients. I wrote to Spirit about it. I gave the little girl in me permission to vent about it. I honored her need to express herself fully. Once that part of me was finished, Spirit’s voice came through loud and clear.
I will share some excerpts from the beginning of it. Please remember, this is a very raw part of me and a part that I am learning to accept and comfort so that she does not continue to run my life and push people away.
I’m pissed that I was told to remember the good times with mom! I don’t have a lot of good that I can remember! Screw that! I grew up terrified to make anyone mad. I grew up embarrassed at my mother’s mental illness because all the adults around me were. I grew up without anyone to show me how to do things. I figured it all out on my own! All I wanted was love and acceptance! I was treated as though I was never good enough! Where were the other adults in my family?! God! Where were you?! How could YOU let this happen to me?! My aunts and uncles don’t understand me. They don't understand that I ran away as soon as I could because I couldn’t breathe! All I ever wanted was an adult in the family to wonder how I was. I was expected to be an adult at 10 years old because my mom couldn’t be. That’s bullshit! And now I'm being told to remember the good!? FUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK That!!!
Wow! As you can see, there was a HUGE unhealed part of me. This was a part of me that I wasn’t aware of. I had done healing around my mom, my dad and a little around God. I didn’t realize that I was carrying anger towards my aunts and uncles. Again, reconnecting with my aunt is important to me. I know that healing this will build my courage to let someone into my life and experience an intimate relationship.
To do that, I had to first honor the part of me that was enraged. I didn't make her wrong. I accepted her by allowing her to be angry. I allowed that part of me to write until I felt complete.
Once she was done, Spirit had the space to respond. Once I walked through the clouds of anger, Spirit's voice could be heard. As I continued writing, this is what came through:
This was your role sweet Lorri. Your soul chose this route to be the most helpful in this incarnation. You have the strength within you. Your anger was your saving grace. It was what propelled you into the life you were meant to live.
Like anything, you are learning that everything in balance is what creates balance within the whole. Anger was needed for you to feel safe. Is it needed now? Can you let go of the knee jerk patterns you created with it and the need to lead with it? You will not need it in the same way ever again. It is like a coat that you have outgrown. It may keep parts of you safe from the elements but, is the constriction you feel worth it? However, it is not mine to take from you. It is yours to choose what to do with it and how to use it.
Your emotions do not make you fragile. Your willingness to honor them is what makes you stronger. It creates more compassion to help others. Your fear of emotions is not really the fear of experiencing them. It is the fear of letting them go and allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
People leave, situations change, I will never leave you. I never did leave. As your personality was forming, you got distracted from hearing my voice. Your choice of reactions, your environment, your perceptions of the responses from those around you, the beliefs that you chose to make about yourself, they were your perceptions. Your perceptions formed the karma that you are getting to release in this life to feel free.
The perceptions you hold so tightly to are like clouds that obscure the light in you. There is light. You are light. You can never lose that.
If your aunt chooses to remember only the good, let her. That is not all she remembers. Release her to truly remember the love by releasing the anger that holds you captive in the past. Love is your true power. Be the child that you always believed yourself to be past all the judgements. Be the love to receive the love. Love is always present. Clear away the clouds.
Your perceptions protected you as a child, you can let them go. Embrace the truth of who you are and be guided by that truth. I love you sweet child. Little Lorri is and always was precious.
I am grateful for the release that I felt by journaling about it. Allowing myself to honor my feelings, express them and then be willing to listen for Spirit’s response is one of my favorite spiritual tools. I am grateful for this healing and for exactly how it unfolded.
I am grateful for my newly established connection with my godmother, for being triggered, for the willingness to journal about it, and for having the opportunity to heal this old wound.
Is there an unexpressed anger that you would be willing to honor, express and then listen for Spirit’s response? Trust me when I say it is worth it. Just have some tissues handy. LOL. If you would like to be guided through the process, reach out and schedule a Spiritual Counseling session with me. I would be honored to support you with this.
***Sidenote: This week my journey of shedding pounds continues to be in a holding pattern. I appear to be gaining then losing then gaining then losing the same 2-3 pounds. Some journaling around that is coming soon.