Who knew that the journey to shedding weight included shedding judgments and beliefs? Not this girl! But here we are.
I mean, I guess I knew it on an intellectual level. I just chose to ignore it. In Massage School, I learned that my memories, beliefs, and judgments are stored on a cellular level. They are stored in my body. So, if I am holding onto thoughts of something that hurt me and refusing to let it go, thoughts get stored on a cellular level as a stuck belief and viola, my big belly expands. When I am willing to be curious about my upsets and hurts, rather that choosing to remain upset, it helps to let go of the upset. When I let go of the upset, I feel lighter in my mind. And as I let go of these stored upsets, I shed weight on a physical level.
***Update: In my first installment, I mentioned that I had shed 6 pounds. As of this morning, I am down 10. So, read on if I have piqued your interest.
In the past when I got angry, overwhelmed, or overworked, I pushed people away. I would push people away, isolate myself, eat all my favorite comfort foods and binge watch episodes on my computer. I isolated myself to escape. I had so many judgments and I noticed that when I physically escaped from people that I blamed for triggering me, the judgments seemed to stop. Little did I know that that was one of the biggest lies that I was telling myself.
I had judgments about EVERYTHING! Judgments against myself…I am too fat to be attractive to a man. And judgments towards others…that person drains me, is annoying, isn’t giving me as much as I am giving them... Blah, blah, blah. The judgments were constantly swimming around in my head. As a result, I needed to both escape and control something so that I felt safe.
At the time, the only way that I felt safe was to have something to control. And what could I control? Food. Food never left me. I could choose whatever I wanted and there was no one to stop me. It was my reward after a long day of work. It was a treat for a job well done. It was the one thing I could do with friends because there would at least be one thing I could look forward to while getting together, because well, they were going to disappoint me anyways, I was going to disappoint them, or they were going to abandon me.
But, my eating, the one thing that I could control, was out of control. Out of control because it was this weird thing that I used for comfort that after swallowing the last bite, ignited my self loathing. To hide from that, I would then disappear into binge watching 4-5 episodes of a show on my computer. I did that to shut my mind off after eating.
And every morning, the judgments came back, as did the promise to not ever do it again. What I didn’t realize was that I was just piling judgment upon judgment and creating more to escape from. The more judgments I piled on the more my pattern of binge eating and binge watching continued. When this pattern first started, Blockbuster video was around, and I was a nightly customer. I went to the television section because each disk would have 4 episodes and I would rent that and buy a pint of ice cream, conveniently in a case right by the check-out counter. When tv shows and movies became available online, Netflix, Hulu and Amazon Prime, it became even easier to isolate. I can pretty much guarantee that if you mention a family drama, science fiction, spy, legal, medical, or feel-good series I have watched it. Maybe even twice.
Watching tv episodes fulfilled a few things. First and foremost, I grew up in a volatile household. TV watching was the only time, as a family that we sat quietly in a room together. For the most part it was a “safe zone.” The second reason? I could observe and experience relationships between the people on the screen without the messy emotions. I wouldn’t disappoint anyone if I was only the observer. I could escape into feelings of love, courage, heroism, and drama without getting hurt myself. The people on screen became surrogate friends and family to me. It was safer that way. It felt like home.
I am choosing to share this because I know that I am not alone in these things. My intention is to share my journey of healing with you. A journey of treating my triggers with curiosity. A journey of exploring my judgments rather than continuing to ignore, escape or judge them. A journey of unraveling and shedding the pain that has been held in my body that made me a prisoner of my mind. A journey of lightening up by letting all the SH*T go.
Along the way, I will share my criticisms, complaints, and judgments along with how I worked or am working my way through them. I will share tools that have helped and are helping me and maybe even some of my favorite recipes. I’m going to show up real and real messy and hopefully show you that you’re not alone in the craziness that you sometimes feel. May inspirations and support prevail for all that choose to read this blog.
Let the journey begin…