I’m just on the other side of not feeling well. It was three solid days of needing to step away from the world and take care of myself. It was an interesting time.
Sickness is not fun, and it is something that I will be getting to speak about in a few weeks on Sundays with Spirit, an online Sunday Spiritual Service. Part of me thinks that Spirit has a wicked sense of humor. And then I realize that my recent 3-day sojourn showed up because within the experience were the seeds of messages that I get to share both at Sundays with Spirit and here.
The first day I was sick, I tried a little something different. When I wasn’t sleeping, I was meditating. Just sitting with what was. I felt peaceful in between the pounding of my head. I allowed myself to be guided. The second day, flashes of memories from my past started showing up. My life in Boston, my life in Rochester, my life in San Diego. Memories that felt heavy and dark. As they swirled, so did my nausea. As they pounded down on me, my head pounded with a headache. As each came up, I said a prayer. Thanking each thought and imagining that I was releasing it once and for all, never to be held in my body again.
What I came to see quite literally is that I was holding memories of guilt about so many moments from my past. Until they started happening, I wasn’t even aware that I had held onto them. Regret, guilt, heaviness, sadness. Wow! So much pain bubbling up. So much old crap that I didn’t even realize that I was holding onto. So many moments of self-hatred and self-punishment.
I felt so vulnerable. During those three days, I couldn’t imagine helping anyone else. I felt so tired. At the same time there was another part of me observing the situation saying to me, “This part is in pain, and she needs to be loved.” So, I accepted how I was feeling. But I also got swept away into the pain. Those old thought patterns of guilt and regret were relentless.
I’m learning that there is a fine line between accepting parts of myself and being swept away by parts of myself. When I sympathize and think “poor little me”, I am looking through the eyes of my inner victim. When I think, “Oh, this part of me is sad, let me comfort her and remind her of the light.”, I am connected with Spirit, and I do not get swept away.
The lure of that poor me voice can be hypnotic. The physical proof was in the waves of nausea and a pounding head. My pain was distracting me from realizing that my thoughts were the ones causing the pain. It was caused by my refusal to let go of the guilt and need to punish myself.
I was causing my own crucifixion.
I got to witness the correlation between stored guilt, regret, anger and shame and physical symptoms in my body. And I can say with 100% willingness that I need never go through that again. My thoughts create my reality. And my past stored thoughts will continue to run the show until I decide to transmute them.
Sometimes they get buried and come bubbling up like this to give me the opportunity to purge the past. After this last time, I am feeling inspired to be more proactive. I am choosing to clear any old lingering crud before it can show up again.
I choose to clear the clutter!
One of the tools that helps me is called H’oponopono. For those of you not familiar with it feel free to check out this link.
I have decided to dedicate 5-10 minutes each day to the practice of h'oponopono for the next little while and see what happens.
I am done carrying the weight of my past with me. The “old tapes” need to be purged. I am done torturing myself on any level. It's so amazing how much I can torture myself and believe that I don’t have, don’t deserve, or can’t earn love. It is so humbling to be reminded again and again that I already have been given love. My Divine Parents already love me. Our Divine Parents already love us. We come from LOVE and we are LOVE. My presence on this planet is proof of that. Your presence on this planet is proof of that. Our presence on this planet is proof of that. And yet we forget.
May we all allow ourselves to remember how loved we are by something larger than our own limited mind can imagine. We are worth it!