There is one area in my life that I would really like to have a healing in. That area is the area of intimate relationship. Even as I write this, feelings of embarrassment and shame come up and that is why I'm sharing. Something in me is telling me that I'm not alone in feeling this way.
The theme of feeling alone has been in my face all week. Now don't get me wrong, there is part of me that knows that I have a lot to be grateful for. And another part that knows that I'm a great catch. It's the anxiety that part of me has around what I may experience or will have to give up if I allow a relationship into my life that's stopping me. Simply put, my heart is ready and my head is not.
My heart longs to share, to laugh, and to be open with someone. My head has a whole litany of contradictory thoughts about that. Here are some of them:
It’s going to be too much work.
It’s going to be messy and feel heavy.
I will feel stuck.
What if he snores?
I don’t want to share.
What if he doesn’t like me once he gets to know me?
What if he’s grossed out by my naked body?
As I look at this list and at the different thoughts, I can see how scared that little girl in me is and what judgements I hold against myself. Sure, there is a part of me that desires the “happily ever after.” And another part of me has become the wicked stepmother keeping that part locked up and scrubbing the floor. Those worries that I have, are the crap on the floor AND I’M THE ONE CREATING THE CRAP on the floor that I have to clean up. How can I stop creating the CRAP and allow my thoughts to support my heart's desire of experiencing an intimate relationship in my life?
First, I have to be willing to shift my crappy thinking. Am I willing to shift my thoughts? YES. Next, I have to be willing to ask for help from Spirit. Am I willing to ask for help from Spirit? YES. Finally, I have to be willing to forgive myself and let the shit go once and for all. Am I willing? YES. YES. YES.
So, what does that look like? For me, I talk to Spirit regularly. Sometimes it's out loud, sometimes it's in my head, sometimes it's through journaling. This morning the exchange went something like this:
OK spirit I have a lot of conflicting thoughts about being in a relationship. And I'm responsible for thinking them. I am so ready to let this shit go! I'm willing to allow Divine Guidance in now. Please help me. Help me see this situation differently. Help me to see the truth. I ask for my head and my heart to be on the same page now. I'm willing to allow love in now. Thank you for the healing coming my way. May the benefits of this healing support others to feel loved, loving and lovable as well.
Dear Reader, Thank you for your willingness to walk through this process with me. I'm feeling the shift happening and it helped hold me accountable to what I've been going through. This article and the process I just shared with you through writing it was an act of self-love. I didn't know where it was headed, and I trusted Spirit to guide it. And Spirit did. LOL.
The willingness to be true to what I'm feeling and to ask for Divine assistance with it, is the greatest act of love I can offer to myself.
If you’re interested in being part of a Spiritual community and creating more accountability in your life, Stay tuned! We’re launching a membership site soon! If you desire change and would like support, come join the fun. We’ll meet twice a month on Zoom. Once for a Live class that will offer some Spiritual insights and once for a Tarot Happy Hour (where you get to come and ask a question). More on this soon. Including an opportunity to get in on an Early Bird deal.
***Side note: This week my journey of shedding pounds hit a bump. I gained 2 pounds. The crap I wrote about above, the crap that was circulating in my head, led me to self soothe by overindulging with sweet and salty foods throughout the week. I felt resistance at sharing this at first. My desire is to be authentic with you and forgive myself. I also sense that sharing this is creating a shift with this as well. Let the Self-Love continue!