Have you ever shared how you would like something to be or expressed a preference and then immediately felt bad? That has come up for me several times this week. I make a simple request and then immediately feel guilt and shame for asking for what I would like. I mean, who am I to ask for that? Am I being too demanding or bossy? Am I not allowing others to do their own thing? Why did I have to say anything in the first place. And ‘round and ‘round it goes…
What is that about? I go into this internal struggle of wanting something to be a particular way and then wanting those I am making the request of to acquiesce. Then I worry that those I make the request of will dislike me. This week I have been very attached to the story that I am being a bother and an annoyance. I am treating that part of me that has a preference like she is a bother and an annoyance.
Maybe accepting what is, is just that. Accepting that I have a preference. Accepting that I stated my preference. And accepting that I cannot control how others are going to receive that request. That’s the tough part. Because there is a part of me that wants everyone to just do as I ask and also still like me.And the truth is they may like me, they may not agree with my request. And the part that needs approval wants them to do both: like me and like my request. LOL.
This week I have been in a loop of taking care of what appear to be my needs and then looking for others to reassure me that they support me taking care of myself. How crazy is that? Is someone out there in the world honestly going to look at me and say, “Bravo Lorri. That took courage to ask for what you wanted. I totally understand that you would like me to change what I am doing to suit your preference. Forget about what I may prefer.” Hahahahahaha. Wouldn’t that be amazing if someone actually did that?
There is someone that can reassure me and that someone is me.
To begin, I get to accept the parts of me that I think are a bother and an annoyance. I get to accept the parts that are looking for people to acquiesce without question and still love me. I get to accept the part that forgets about other people's preferences. I get to accept other people's preferences. AND I get to accept the loop that I have been in. I get to accept ALL parts that are showing up and ALL consequences and move forward. Thank goodness I can laugh at myself. Thank goodness I can comfort myself. Thank goodness I can let go my need to punish myself. (Eventually) LOL.
It’s ok to make requests. Once I make one, I move forward. I stay present with what is and what is being created for others and for myself as the request is being received. As the consequence unfolds, I accept it and practice loving kindness towards all, including myself. Life is a continual flow of acceptance and resistance. If I can breathe into the resistance and move forward, accepting what is in that moments, all is well.