Last week was one of the hardest emotional weeks of my year. Case in point, I missed my deadline to get this blog article written and out on January 1. And I made it through. I share this because I know that someone or someone(s) out there can relate. I am also going to share how I got through it.
Last week, my mind was focused on and circling around in my stories of hurt. I felt so alone and lonely that it affected me physically. I had a headache for 3 days straight. You know that feeling of, “Why bother. What’s the fucking point anyways? I wish I were dead.”? That’s where I was. I will add that, I would never act on the last statement. I grew up with a mother that attempted suicide once or twice a year and made a promise to myself at the age of 10 that suicide would not be my path.
The point that I am making is that the head space I was in was dark and deep. I could not see a way out. I was doing everything I could to maintain and show up for others. And during it all, I also did everything in my power to be gentle with myself. Total transparency: I did overcompensate with sugar and pizza, and I also got my steps in each day. So, there’s that.
On Thursday morning, I was getting ready to go on my daily long walk. I remember thinking, “What podcast can I listen to?” and “Who can I call to keep me company?” As I was debating, I heard, “Do nothing and walk with me. Tell me your worries, concerns and feelings.” And then I remembered that I had begun my walking practice months ago sans distraction. It had started out as my time to be alone with Spirit. Then, when I started looping around in my story of “poor me, I’m so alone”, I looked for something to distract or keep me company rather than allowing myself to stroll with Spirit.
I looked at my phone that was clenched in my hand, put it down on my desk, and walked out the door.
As I started walking, I began pouring my heart out to Spirit. I let the thoughts and emotions that I was having come up and imagined I was having a conversation with Spirit in my head. I found myself crying while at the same time, feeling oddly calm and not so alone. I shared all my thoughts, conclusions, hurt and pain with Spirit. In the pauses, between my thoughts, I either felt a comforting presence or was given a thought that brought clarity and peace.
I began to understand that circling around in my stories of hurt and loneliness were feeding and building the energy of that loneliness. My thoughts were digging my own deep hole deeper.
I also had an understanding about my mother. As a child I was angry at her for not trying harder to get out of her cycles of depression and get better for me. To get better and take care of the house, my brother and me. Instead of the other way around. The knowingness I had in that moment as I was sharing my hurts with Spirit, was that my mother was circling in her own hurt when I was a child. She had no tools to support her in getting herself out of her deep dark hole. We were two hurt souls, unable to see or be there for each other.
In that moment I was shown that all of us…EVERY. SINGLE. HUMAN. goes through upset at one time or another. And if two people come together who are both circling around in their hurt, they may be incapable of being there for one another. Letting the hurt win is what caused me to check-out. Each friend who bailed on our friendship this year, let their hurt win. In that moment I vowed to Spirit and myself that I was no longer willing to let the hurt win. At least on my end. I asked Spirit to take that stinking messy ball of hurt from me and to help me become aware of my addiction to holding onto my hurt in the future and guide me in letting it go. I remember saying out loud, “Spirit, I am done with this shit! Take it all from me once and for all.”
I started to feel lighter.
My healing continued throughout the day. When I went to the last day of class for the year with my Spiritual teacher, she had us do a breathwork meditation that helped me in release the residual heaviness I was feeling. The shift from hurt to love felt complete. Here’s a link to the breathwork I did that day if you would like to try it.
Last week I experienced one of the biggest purges of my life. Perfectly timed as 2021 was giving way to 2022. I am grateful for this experience, the healing I received, and the willingness to leave the dumpster fire created by my judgments behind. Amen!
Let’s toss out the old way of trying to “go it alone” and welcome in a new way of allowing Spirit to guide us and keep us company. Out with the old and in with the new! Who’s with me?
Fun fact: Last Thursday when I weighed myself, I had gained two pounds. Today, right before writing this, I weighed myself again. Those two pounds were gone. Letting the heaviness go really did make a difference!